If you haven’t heard about me by now, then you must live under a rock. I am everywhere. I will pop up on your Instagram feed multiple times a day, held by my handle by smiling women with loosely tousled beach waves. And now that you have read this, you will see me even more in every ad as you scroll and you’ll even hear all about me in between songs on your workout playlist.
Who am I exactly? I am the pan that will change your life. In fact, I am the only pan you will ever need for the rest of your life.
There’s nothing that I can’t do. I can steam, sauté, braise, fry, stew, boil, and sear. I am so clever that I’ve convinced you that you’ll only need to buy one of me to do all of these things at once. You’ll instantly turn into Julia Child, just minus all the clutter and mess in your kitchen because she needed a designated pan for each cooking technique. Like I said, I can do it all.
Once you discover that you cannot actually boil and fry at the same time, you will start begging for more of me. You should start a collection of me, but not exactly like a pan set because, remember, I can do everything all in one pan.
I am far from affordable, but if you put your first-born child up for adoption, then you should definitely be able to afford me. If you need to, you can pay for me in three easy installments, and as you’re paying me off, feel free to throw away every other pan in your kitchen. I replace everything. Pack up that frying pan, sauce pan, steamer, and even all your spatulas and march them straight to Goodwill. I am everything to you now. If you finish those three easy installments, or decide you have more children to sacrifice, then there are always more of me to make sure that you really can do everything all at once.
I say there are always more of me, but you should know, there’s a three month waiting list of people expecting me to change their lives. Especially when I go on sale, which only happens like thrice a year, I make women lose their minds. They start waiving their first-born children in the air, or donating kidneys, anything really just to step into the life that they dream of where I am the one good thing that will waltz into their kitchen and suddenly take care of all the meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, table setting, and cleaning. I am just that powerful.
What makes me so unique? My most revolutionary feature is my spatula with a hole. Your dog or cat will never again lick your saucy spoon because it tucks away perfectly with the help of that hole. Plus, my inside coating is smooth as butter. Your husband will believe in my magic when you promise that you’ll never again burn his grilled cheese. Not to mention, I am such an investment, that every scratch and smudge will have you questioning your entire existence (which I have heard is a very powerful exercise).
Here’s the real secret: I am always there for you. I might look and act like an average to mediocre pan, but I really have exceptional emotional abilities. I really listen to you and I hear you. I see how hard you work all day on your aching feet and I’ll do anything to take your pain away.
If you don’t believe me, if it all seems too good to be true, just check me out on the stock market. I am soaring.
I am on a mission to start a cult that isn’t exactly a secret underground cult because I want everyone to know who is worshipping me. Just ask around and listen for me and you’ll hear everyone buzzing about me. “Have you heard about that pan?” Yes, that is me, I am that pan. I am finally here, just as promised, sent to save you.
Follow me and your life will change.
And one final warning before you go. I have heard reports of women feeling so intimidated by my life-changing powers that they pray every night before bed for three months for my swift arrival, only to receive me and leave me wrapped up in my beautiful box or tucked away in a cabinet or propped up pretty on their stovetop. What if I don’t do all that I say I can do? What if their lives stay the same? Surely, this is not you. You are not this scared, timid woman. You are a brave, strong, tousled beach wave modern version of Julia Child. And I am your new best friend/confidante/miracle worker, dropped into your life and here to stay, forever and always.
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